The Letter
by xfool
Summary: Mac recieves a letter from Harm...set after A Tangled Webb 2 COMPLETE!
1. Harm's Letter to Mac

Author: xfool

Title: The Letter

Disclaimer:  The letter (which has been MAJORLY revised) belongs to the wonderful writers of ER.  The characters belong to CBS and all them even though if I owned them the season would be MUCH better…ahem, anyway…I digress…

Notes:  I read the letter on the ER website and thought that it fit with Harm and Mac…reviews are appreciated; if you like it say so, if you don't like it then tell me nicely- being rude never got anyone anywhere.

PS – all internal thoughts will be in _italics_

            Mac stood facing her window, watching the lightning streak across the sky.  The wind was violently tossing the trees and the rain came down in angry drops.  _God, this storm looks like my life.  Too much violence and anger.  She had returned home from Paraguay the day before and had not left her apartment.  So much had happened, so much had changed and she just didn't want to deal with it.  Her room was dark, the only light provided by the storm's intermittent bursts of lightning.  She was cold, but she didn't move to get a sweater.  She stayed, seeking the comfort of her solitude by the window.  The only constant in her life was Harm.  She wishes it was JAG, but JAG is five days a week and various missions for either the military or CIA.  _

            _Why is my life so complicated?  Was I wrong to tell Harm that it would never work between us?  If we had tried earlier…then maybe.  Dammit, we were so close.  The baby deal…_

A harsh knocking at her door and the sound of an envelope sliding across the hardwood floor broke her thoughts.  Unwillingly, she went to the envelope.  It seemed to draw her to it.  Her hands were shaking as she opened the fragile package.  She knew it was from him, his familiar handwriting; the curves of the letters that spelled her proper name.  When his lips uttered "Sarah," she felt chills and warm fuzzies all at once.  Her trembling hands opened the tri-folded letter and her heart knew before her head what he was saying.

Dear Sarah,   
  
By the time you read this letter, Clay should be safe in America and you will probably be wondering why I'm not with him. Before you go blaming yourself let me just say, it's not you, it's me - and I know even as I write this that you're going to think that's a breakup cliché, but if you could just try and hold back your judgment - and your condemnation - for a minute, maybe you will actually be able to understand what I'm trying to say. Being here has changed me in ways I never imagined. It put everything in perspective. JAG, dad's death, you. Well, me and you. We just had to work so hard at everything. Too hard, you know? When I think back on our last year together, everything appears hazy, muddled. And in Paraguay, everything is very clear. People are suffering. I can help them. They need me. In a way that you don't.   
  
You're much stronger than you think. You don't need me, Sarah, and I don't think you ever really did. We both know we would work better unfettered. I think that at one point you convinced yourself that I was the right guy for you - reliable and safe, and I don't know, stable - but I don't think that that's what you really want. When we were just friends, it was safe. Maybe we even put each other on pedestals, I don't know. And then when we were finally together, it didn't become what either of us thought it would be. I didn't end up being what you expected, and you didn't end up being…sorry, I'm rambling.   
  
I gave you as much as I could, but it wasn't enough. Clearly, there were a lot of things going on in your life that were more important, understandably. The mission, your feelings. Your life is complicated, and I didn't fit into that mix very well, did I? I tried to help, but then when I needed you…I don't know.   
  
The light is dying. I don't want to waste any more kerosene.   
  
I don't know how long I'm going to end up staying here. Don't wait for me.   
  
I also want to say thank you. You are still one of the most amazing people I know.   
  
Love,   
Harmon Rabb, Jr.

            She dropped the letter, hoping he would still be outside.  The door seemed to open on its own and she could see his retreating figure getting in the elevator.  

            "Harm!!! Wait, please…"

So what happens?  Review to find out.  Next chapter should be soon!  Thanks for reading!


	2. Mac's Letter to Harm

Thanks to the people who reviewed.  All info is found in chapter 1…

FROM CHAPTER 1:

She dropped the letter, hoping he would still be outside.  The door seemed to open on its own and she could see his retreating figure getting in the elevator.  

            "Harm!!! Wait, please…"

CHAPTER 2:

            Mac rushed out the door, determined to stop him before it was too late.  She stood, watching the elevator doors close in her face, for about two seconds before she used to stairs.  As his car pulled out of her parking lot she was running out the stairwell door.  

            "Harm!! Wait!!!" she was screaming into the wind now, the tail lights of his car becoming a fainter red and then disappeared into the distance and hidden by the rain.  The rain seemed to sense her tears and fell harder around her.  She felt a sense of déjà vu come over her – standing in the pouring rain, crying as she watched the man she loves grow farther apart from her at an astronomical rate.  

            Making an abrupt about face, she sped up the stairs to her apartment in a frantic search for a pen and paper.  Shedding her wet clothes in favor of her "borrowed" US NAVY sweats, she plopped down at her desk and began to write…

Harm,

            I can't describe what is going through my head right now, so please bear with me and my jumbled thoughts.  You are an amazing man, one who does not deserve what we have been through and what I have put you through.  I know that whomever you decide to spend your life with will bring you joy, you deserve that.  With you I could be myself, no holding back.  I regret what I said and did in Paraguay.  If I could have foreseen what pain I caused you, believe me, my words would not have been said.  The years we have spent together as…friends I guess you could say…were the best years of my life.  I wish we could have been more, but there were too many missed chances and heated conversations, too many words left unspoken or taken the wrong way.  

I wish you would stay here, try to work this out…but I know that this, what ever it is, is not worth the time and energy.  I do know that at one time this was worth fighting for, maybe it still is and we don't realize it yet.  Maybe we could have gotten it right, but how long were we willing to wait?

I need you, in so many ways it scares me.  Not just you but everything that comes with you.  I always have and always will.  You gave me more than I could ever ask for.  I don't deserve a man like you, I realize that now.  The only problem is that you were my constant in life…you saved me.  A thousand times over.  I owe you everything, and you, Harm, you owe me nothing.  No explanation, no parting words.  You have every right to walk away and never look back.  I will wait forever for you…you're worth it.  I know you don't want me to but I will.  Even if nothing more than our friendship comes out of this, I will be grateful.  

I wish I could follow you where ever you are going like you did for me.  But I know that me following you won't help us.  It will only make you hate me more.  

For the record, I never asked you to follow me, to resign, to give everything up.  If I wanted a hero I would have let Clay die for me.  That's what he nearly did, you know, die for me.  I know you saw me kissing him; I could feel your eyes.  Please believe me when I say there is nothing between me and Clay.  I am forever in his debt because of his chivalry.  I don't know how else to explain it to you – he saved my life and I am eternally indebted.  

I don't mean to sound the way I am.  I wish I could have moved faster to stop you, to tell you this face to face.  I don't know how to get this to you, but I will use your way – sliding it under the door.  

I want you to believe what I am saying.  I know you will doubt the sincerity of my words.  As I watched you drive away I felt like you made your point, you had gotten the final word.  And I know that you heard me scream your name; that you heard me begging you to stop….but I digress…

I hope you find happiness out there.  You're an amazing man, a wonderful person who has much to offer.  The future for me is set in stone – JAG.  I hope your future isn't.  

I love you.  Always and forever.

Lieutenant Colonel Sarah MacKenzie

Mac sealed the envelope.  She grabbed her keys, an umbrella and the letter she had just written him.  She opened the door and found him about to knock.

Her voice was barely a whisper, masked with surprise, "Harm, what are you doing here?"

So what is he doing at her door??? Review to find out…


	3. An unexpected visitor and a talk

FROM CHAPTER 2:

Mac sealed the envelope. She grabbed her keys, an umbrella and the letter she had just written him. She opened the door and found him about to knock.

Her voice was barely a whisper, masked with surprise, "Harm, what are you doing here?"

CHAPTER 3:

            He stood there, mouth open.  She was his mirror, her hand in a death grip on the door knob.  

            "Harm?  Are you alright?  What are you doing here, in your letter you said you were still in Paraguay.  What's going on?"

            "I wrote that while we were in Paraguay.  I wrote that so you would not try to see me.  Looking at you hurts me, Sarah, and I can't deal with the pain right now.  I thought I was doing the right thing by just leaving you that letter, but that adds to our problems.  So I am here now, asking you for a chance to talk."

            She opened her door wider, inviting him in.  He sat on her couch, more nervous than anything, waiting for her to speak.  He was shocked when she didn't, but instead handed him an envelope; eerily similar to his, but thicker.

            "You read this and I will make some coffee."

            She disappeared into the kitchen and returned a few minutes later with two cups of coffee.  She sat next to him, her legs tucked under her, one cup between her hands.  

            He folded the letter and put it back into the envelope.  His hands were folded in front of him, arms resting on his knees.  They sat like this, in uncomfortable silence, both waiting for the other to say something.  

            "Harm, say something please," Mac's eyes pleaded with his.  

            "What do you want me to say?  That I will wait for you like you will for me?  That I will spend my life pinning for you?  Why do we always dance around the issue?  Play with each other's mind?"

            Her gaze met his.  "I think...it's a basic instinct to make those that cause us pain suffer... sometimes it's intentional, sometimes it isn't but in the end no one wins...it's like a monopoly game - no end in sight - do not pass go, do not get what you want...I meant  everything I said in that letter…"

            "So what do we do now?  What is it you want me to say?  What is it you want to hear?"  He was no longer on the couch, but by the window.  The storm outside had lessened to gray skies, perfectly matching the mood inside.  

            "We move on and accept or we fight."  Her voice was firm.  "I don't want to lose you again."

            "What do you mean?"

            "When you went back to flying I felt like I lost you…and when I almost married Mic I felt I lost you again.  Every time we start to get it right some thing goes wrong."

            He stood facing the window, he didn't need to look at her to know she was crying.  "I don't know if I can do this anymore…or if I want to…"

            She stood and faced his back.  "What do you want to do?"

            He closed his eyes.  He could hear the fear in her voice, the uncertainty filled the air.  Harm was at a loss on what to do.  He wanted to try again but in his heart he knew that they had a better chance at an ending like Romeo & Juliet.  Nothing seemed to go right for them.  Would it go right now?

            "I want to try.  Our friendship is something that can last just because we want it to.  I think if we want this next step, we need to want it."

            She walked behind him and carefully hugged him from behind, resting her forehead on his back.  Tiny electric currents shot through his body at the contact.  He felt her sigh.

            He turned to face her.  "I thought I knew what love was…I really did…but what I thought and what I want are two completely different things.  I need you to open up your mind and your heart…let me in…and I will do the same.  If we do this, it is a two-way street; no u-turns.  I believe this can work if we want it to, if we try hard enough… So what do you say, Sarah MacKenzie, are you brave enough?"

            "Oh, Harm.  Does this mean that you don't hate me?"

            "I could never hate you… And I realize why you said what you did.  Us being together will test everything we believe in, most of all it will test the power of love and faith and trust to transform our life together into something worth living…"

What is Mac's response?  Stay tuned for more!!!!   Standard disclaimers apply


	4. Dinner and an arguement

Author's notes:  thanks so much for your reviews…I will try to update more often but work and school are taking the bulk of my time.  Here's chapter 4.  enjoy!!! 

FROM CHAPTER 3: 

He turned to face her. "I thought I knew what love was…I really did…but what I thought and what I want are two completely different things. I need you to open up your mind and your heart…let me in…and I will do the same. If we do this, it is a two-way street; no u-turns. I believe this can work if we want it to, if we try hard enough… So what do you say, Sarah MacKenzie, are you brave enough?"

"Oh, Harm. Does this mean that you don't hate me?"

"I could never hate you… And I realize why you said what you did. Us being together will test everything we believe in, most of all it will test the power of love and faith and trust to transform our life together into something worth living…"

CHAPTER 4:

            Mac stood there, completely speechless.  Her grip on him lessened and eventually became non-existent.  He paused, waiting for her response.  

            "We have a lot to talk about."

            "I know."

            "Tomorrow night?  We'll talk."

            "Ok.  1900.  Your place. I'll get Chinese."

            For the first time since the fiasco in Paraguay, Mac walked into work with a smile on her face.  Her day was even better when she saw Harm walk in.  

            "Hey.  What are you doing here?"

            "I came to see the admiral about my resignation."

            "I'll come with you."

            They were both standing at attention in front of the admiral as he ranted and raved about what had happened.

            "..Harm, you are a civilian.  I had to put in your paper work."

            "But sir-"

            Mac cut him off.  "He saved my life!  Doesn't that mean anything?  What about all the singer missiles he destroyed?  He saved the lives of others!"

            "Mac-" Harm was cut off by the admiral yelling in her face.

            "Stand down colonel.  He's not a team player and therefore no longer part of this team.  Harm, you have exactly thirty minutes to clean your office before Turner moves in.  Am I clear?"

            Both snapped to attention.  "Yes sir."

            After work Mac spent a while in the tub, trying to let the water soak out her stress.  She got dressed in her favorite jeans and a USMC sweater.  Now she was trying to knock on Harm's door without dropping the food.

            Harm opened the door, intending to go downstairs and see what was keeping Mac.  In his rush he almost knocked her over.  

            "Mac, I was wondering what kept you.  Come on in."

            The two enjoyed a quiet dinner and were sitting on his couch, relaxing and enjoying being in each other's company.  Mac broke the silence.

            "I'm going to talk with the SECNAV about getting you your job back.  The admiral was unfair.  He let me come back when I was thinking about going to Dalton's firm…"

            "Drop it Mac."

            "What?"

            "You heard me.  Drop it.  I don't want to discuss the biggest fuck-up I have ever made."

            "So that's what saving me was?  A fuck-up?  I never asked you to play hero and come after me and Clay.  You made that choice all on your own.  It's not fair to do what you are doing Harm.  It's not.  What do you want me to do then?  Just give up and not fight for you?  You fought for me, I'm doing the same."

            "I don't want you to ruin your career because of me."

            "You wouldn't ruin my career Harm.  You gave up the NAVY, your life, to find me.  Let me help you now.  Because of what happened, I have some power.  Let me try.  Maybe I can get you transferred to the CIA as a military law advisor.  Or rules of engagement officer to the president."

            "Fine do what you want.  You never listen to me anyway.  What if I don't _want to be in the NAVY anymore?  Did you think of that?  Yes, this was a fuck-up.  Do you know why?  No, of course not.  You are too busy thinking about you.  Start thinking about others.  I went to Webb's funeral.  Where were you?"_

            "I couldn't do it.  I could not – would not -  face his mother and everyone else knowing that I am the reason he died."  Her head was bowed, a single tear escaping.

              Harm was amazed.  His voice grew louder and louder with every minute.  "You couldn't do it?  My god, Mac, no one cared _who he died for.  They cared about __what he died for.  He died to protect America.  He knew that I would come for you.  That we would finish what he started.  Stop being selfish.  Yes, I want to make this work with you but you need to want to make this work with me.  You need to…I don't know.  Maybe you should go before I say something I will regret."_

            Equal venom was in her voice as she said, "I think I will.  Call me when you have your head out of your six."  The door made a loud thud as she slammed it behind her. 

            Harm sat on the couch, the day replaying in his head.  "What do I do now?"  The walls did not answer.

More to come!  Stay tuned!


	5. One Last Chance

FROM CHAPTER 4:

            Harm was amazed. His voice grew louder and louder with every minute. "You couldn't do it? My god, Mac, no one cared _who he died for. They cared about __what he died for. He died to protect America. He knew that I would come for you. That we would finish what he started. Stop being selfish. Yes, I want to make this work with you but you need to want to make this work with me. You need to…I don't know. Maybe you should go before I say something I will regret."_

Equal venom was in her voice as she said, "I think I will. Call me when you have your head out of your six." The door made a loud thud as she slammed it behind her. 

Harm sat on the couch, the day replaying in his head. "What do I do now?" The walls did not answer.

CHAPTER 5:

            Mac was furious at what Harm insinuated.  The anger and thoughts drove her car to her favorite running spot.  Running always seemed to calm her down.  As if she was on autopilot she locked her car and started stretching.  _Five miles ought to be good.  When I am done I will stop by and apologize.  I should have known that he would want to do this on his own.  But, my god, he is so infuriating.  Why won't he let me help him?  Will it really wound his pride by letting me help?  We were almost back into our normal rhythm…what ever that is._

While Mac was out jogging, Harm went to her apartment before doing the same thing.  He didn't realize that Mac would be at the same park as him.  He figured that she would be at home, pacing in a figure 8 around her couch and coffee table like she would always do when she was confused.  He parked the car, at a different entrance, and started his run.  

They were both in their own worlds when they "bumped" into each other.  

"Sorry," they both said in unison.  

Mac smiled.  "What are you doing here?"

"The same as you I guess.  I didn't see your car."

"I'm parked at the Miller Road lot."

"Oh."

"What are you really doing here Harm?"

"I went to your place.  You weren't there."

"Why did you go to my place?"

"Jesus Mac, do I have to spell it out for you?  I wanted to apologize for what I said earlier.  I was out of line."

She raised an eyebrow.  "That's it?"

"Yeah.  What more do you want me to say?  That I love you?  I do.  Happy now?"

"Completely.  But I want to apologize too.  I was wrong to pressure you into trying to get your job back.  And what you said to me about Clay and the funeral… you were right."

"That's it?" he asked, mimicking her previous mannerism.

"Oh, and I love you too.  You wanna stop for some Ben&Jerry's and try again?"

He didn't answer her with words, just a kiss.

Ok… I know it's corny but I am really running out of ideas…I think this will be the last chapter of this story unless I can get a demolition crew to break down my writer's block.  Thanks for reading and just keep livin'!! (..) xfool


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